dear mummy,

i'll just be really straightforward with you and get straight to the point. i dont like it that you're so invovled with your work. i dont like how you have to leave so early for work every morning and come back late every day. and even on those days when you come back early, you either spend time using the treadmil or doing your own things. and what makes me even angrier is that you choose to watch tv during dinner instead of sitting down with the family to have dinner together. i always looked forward to family meals. whenever i was far away in perth and missing home, i'll think of how much i miss having meals together as a family. but today, you chose to take food on your plate and bring your plate with you to the living room to watch tv and eat. and when i asked you nicely if you could eat with us instead, you said no you cant because you came back early to watch your show. i cant believe you actually said that. i cant believe you actually came home early to watch a tv show instead of spending time with your husband and children. i cant believe you actually chose something else over family. before nigel came back, you kept saying how you want to bring him out to eat and bring him here and there. and well he's back now but you're never around. even if you're around, your mind isnt fully here. your attention will always be divided. why do you have to multitask and not waste time all the time. cant you just take leave and spend one whole day doing nothing and just spending time with your family. sometimes you say you take the effort to take leave, but think about it, what does your leave consist of? nail and hair appointments, sessions on the treadmil, sorting out your bills, wrapping presents and such. then what about us. what about your husband who loves you so much and is actually hurting so badly deep down, feeling so helpless that you have to work work work around the clock. dont you think he deserves some of your time as well. or are you just too busy to notice. frankly, i'd rather you quit your job, just so i can have my mother back. i used to be able to tell you anything, things about glenn, things at school and about anything that was on my mind. now, i rarely see you around. even if you're home, you're busy. sorry but i really dont take busy as an excuse. its like how people can be busy, but if you really want something or love someone, you'll find a way to make time no matter how busy you are. and i dont blame you for having so much work to do. i know that that's something you cant control. but i do blame you for choosing tv, or anything for that matter, over spending time with family. i know its just dinner. i know its just half an hour. but half an hour is a hell lot of time when your son only has a week in singapore. and im not even talking about myself, i have 59 days left in singapore. i doubt you're even keeping track anyway. and if dinner is only just half an hour, why can you just sacrifice your show to spend time eating with us. your show is on every tuesday wednesday and thursday. cant you just not watch it for one day. i really dont know how to tell all this to you, i know it'll just evolve into a messy arguement which is not what i want. i know you still love us despite your hectic and busy lifestyle. i know you still care about us. but all im asking from you is that you have some balance in your life. you always tell me that too much of something is bad. doesnt that hold true for work as well. you always tell me how stressed you are and you always have a never ending list of complains to rant about. and i always tell you to pray. but seeing how you dont even have time to have a simple dinner with your family, it saddens me to think about how little time you have for God, if any at all. when i was feeling so home sick in perth, you told me to look forward to coming back, that you'll bring me out for dimsum, just the two of us. until now, im still waiting for it. its not about the dimsum, even thou i do really love dimsum, its about spending time with you, mother daughter time, just like how we used to. every night you keep asking me to teach you how to use your blackberry. but i think im going to stop teaching you how to use it anymore. because whenever you're home, you're on your bb 247. everything is about work work work. stop bringing home your work with you. nigel's leaving soon after christmas, and then i'll be going back to perth too. i just hope you're not taking it for granted that we'll always be around. sometimes i wonder, does it really take a sickness of disease to make someone realise and be truly grateful for what they have in their lives? and sometimes i wonder, when will i ever get the courage to tell you all this. please dont let your work drown you and suffocate you away from your family and away from God. dont get me wrong, i may be upset and angry, but i still love you very much and i'd really do anything to get my mummy back.

love, nicole.

its time i put on my facade.

why not you go try talking to the wall first and see how frustrating it feels and how impatient you'll get before telling me how impatient and easily frustrated i am.

some people find solace in sleep, i find solace in family.

who am i kidding. its inevitable for things to change with time. whether its 5 hours or 5 months. i kept thinking that everything was still the same, or at least it was going to be like how it was. rubbish. change was all along there, right in front of me waiting for me to realise its presence. priorities change. your importance to people change. people become busy. people become busier. people judge more. people dont bother. people talk less. people dont talk at all.

i just have so much on my mind, so many things i need to rant about. but no one to rant them all to. why should i bother people with my problems. they're mine after all.

im just glad that family is a constant in my life. they're people who scold me because they know whats best for me. they dont judge. they make time when they have no time. they're direct and open and say whatever thats on their mind even if it hurts hearing it. they respond and not ignore. they talk and not argue.

cant wait for the 19th when my brother gets back.
cant remember the last time we had a full family meal.